Ten years ago if anyone were to tell me that I would have breast cancer , I would probably just shrug it off with a laugh. From what I read then, there are several factors that put a woman on a higher risk of getting breast cancer - incidence of cancer in immediate family, starting menses early, late menopause, smoking, overweight and not having any children or having few children. Basing on this I thought I had low risk of developing breast cancer as none of my family members had any cancer, I first had my menses late (later than all my friends ), I menopaused early at the age of 44 (horror of horrors! ) , I don't smoke, I am not overweight and I have 4 children. These, and especially since I breastfed all my 4 kids for an average of 2 years each, made me feel that I was practically immune to breast cancer. How very wrong I was!
I was 47 when it happened.I discovered that I had breast cancer by chance, by a stroke of luck but I prefer to think of it as a miracle. There I was standing stark naked in front of the mirror in the bathroom looking at myself. This is something that I did all the time ,observing every contour of my body (or rather the lack of it !). And like a lot of women, all I saw were imperfections ( my breasts were too small , my tummy was too big,there was flesh where they were not meant to be ). That particular day one of the 3 downlights in the bathroom (the one on the far left ) had fused. Because of that,the other 2 lights cast their rays at an angle on my body and there appeared a small shadow on my left breast ,suggesting that there was a slight bump. I touched the spot but could not feel anything and yet the shadow convinced me beyond doubt that there was something there. I asked my husband to feel the spot to see whether he could feel anything but he too couldn't feel anything at all.
I decided to trust my instinct and went to the doctor the very next day. The doctor herself could not detect anything when she did the breast examination but on my insistence performed an ultrasound anyway. The ultrasound showed that there was indeed a lump present. The doctor said that I would not have easily detected it had my breast been bigger. For the first time in my life I was grateful to have small breasts. I was advised to go to the hospital for a mammogram. My last mammogram before that was about a year before. I decided to see a reknown breast surgeon and she suggested that I remove the lump, which I agreed. Unfortunately her timetable was full and she could only schedule me for surgery one and a half months later. I didn't think very much about it at that time but agreed on the date. But after I had gone home I started to feel worried and insecure. What if it's something more than just a lump ? What if it's cancer ? The more I thought about it ,the more worried I became, although at the back of my mind I still thought that cancer was a remote possibility because of my low risk factors. The next day I called up the doctor and pleaded with her to operate on me earlier. She agreed to relook at her schedule and later her office called to say that there was an earlier opening,2 weeks from that day, because someone else rescheduled her operation. Another miracle !
One day before the surgery I had a mammogram done. The report by the radiologist indicated that the lump appeared " highly suspicious" and when my doctor saw the mammogram film she said ' It doesn't look good" . I felt a chill running down my spine. Is it really cancer ? It can't be ! I was still hoping against hope that it's not. The lump was successfully removed the next day and I was told that I would have to wait for a week for the result of the biopsy to be out. That was the longest one week in my life. And the most stressful and dreadful. My emotions were like a roller coaster. One moment I was crying my heart out at the thought that it might be cancer. The doctors' words rang loud in my ears and they haunted me day and night.To me at that time cancer meant death , and I was too young to die. My children still needed me, they were still too young to lose a mother. At other moments I told myself 'Nah it's not cancer , it can't be. Other people get cancer, not me "
I remember vividly the day that I went to see the doctor to get the result of the biopsy. How could I forget that day ! That is the day that will change my whole life forever ! My husband went with me to the hospital. When my name was called to go inside the doctor's office to see the doctor, my husband had asked whether he should come in with me. I said no. I wanted to do it alone. If there was a decision to be made I wanted to decide myself. I did not want anybody else, not even my husband to influence my decision. So I went inside and was asked to lie down on the examination bed while waiting for the doctor to be ready. That was the most harrowing experience in my life. My hands and feet were cold and I was literally shivering and trembling with fear. My heart was pounding so hard that I felt like I was going to have a heart attack anytime. At that point there was only one thing to do , I turned to God. I prayed like I have never prayed before , I prayed with all my heart. I said " God , whatever You have decided for me, have been decided and can't be changed anymore. Whatever You have decided for me , I have faith that You have Your reasons for it. Whatever You have decided for me I accept with humility. If You decide that I am to have cancer I accept it . I submit myself to You completely .But God, all I ask for is give me the strength and the courage to face it and to fight it. That's all that I ask " . Immediately after I finished the prayer, peace came to be. I stopped trembling and I was not afraid anymore. So when the doctor said " Salmah I have bad news for you, it's confirmed cancer " , I was calm. I said " What do we do next ? "
I was told there was evidence of DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ ) ,meaning that my milk ducts were showing signs of cancer. One alternative was to remove a bigger portion of the breast surrounding the tumour that has been removed ,and the other was mastectomy. As my breast was small I didn't see the point of removing a bigger portion as not much would be left behind. So I decided to have a mastectomy done. The doctor wanted to know when I wanted it done. She even suggested that I could go to Australia and see my son first and have the surgery later because she knew I was supposed to make that trip. I said no let's do it as soon as possible. I have this "parasite" inside me and I wanted to get rid of it right away. She asked whether I wanted to consult my husband about removing my breast. I told her that it's not necessary,it's my decision.It's my body after all and I was sure my husband would understand and would still love me with or without a breast.To me my breast was just an accessory that is not vital, I would rather lose my breast then risk losing my life. The doctor commented that she had never come across another so decisive as me. I guess my prayer had been answered and I had found the strength to face whatever come my way.
Again her timetable was full for the next 2 months but again a miracle happened. A slot became vacant when a patient changed her surgery date. I remember waking up after the surgery and touching the spot where my left breast used to be and feeling the bandage. I did not feel any sense of lost ,instead I felt relieved. A few days later when the bandage was removed once again I stood in front of the mirror staring at my new body. I told myself "This is the new me ,accept it. I am just different on the outside, that's all .Inside I am still the same person" . Afterwards my doctor asked whether I thought about reconstructive surgery because alot of women have issues about their self esteem and confidence. They feel less of a women and less sensual without a breast. To me feminity is about how you behave as a woman and sensuality is an attitude and that special something that exudes from within a person.I may be without a breast but I don't feel that I have lost my feminity and womanhood.
The other test results showed that the cancer had not spread to my lymph nodes. I was told that it was stage 1 breast cancer because the size of the tumour was 1.5cm and it was confined to the breast. I was also oestrogen positive which provided an avenue for treatment by hormonal therapy. The oncologist said that of the 20 or so possible levels of stage 1 breast cancer I was in the upper level 1 or 2. Because of that both the surgeon and the oncologist decided that I did not need any radiotheraphy or chemotherapy, which was a huge relief .
Although I had cancer I consider myself as blessed and a very lucky person indeed. I am blessed because I detected cancer early, I reacted immediately and I had it treated quickly. And along the way there were small miracles that helped me and assisted me to deal with the situation. My cancer was also a wake-up call for me to reassess my life and put things in it's proper perspective. I had thought that I had a balance life but cancer made me realise that there had been areas of my life that I had previously neglected ,like my spiritual side. Also after you have cancer small things that used to bother you become of less significance . I now focus on bigger issues.
My advice to all the healthy women - don't take your health for granted. Eating healthy meals, having enough sleep,keeping your weight at a healthy level and excercising regularly and learning to destress are not just cliches.Understand your body and look out for any changes.Listen to your instinct , you know your body better than anybody else. Do regular check-ups , whether self breast examination or full medical check-ups at the doctor's.
For those who have been diagnosed with cancer my advice is accept it and move on with life. Be positive and focus on the good things in your life. Keep your spirit high because when your spirit is strong your body will be strong. Ultimately it's que sera sera .
